Sunday, October 18, 2009

bitter sweet symphony

all 3 - bitter - sweet n symphony conincide at the same time in this phase of life
how does one handle it? God knows! i don't
but someone told me that 'God does not give you a challenge that He thinks you cant handle'
is that for real - well come to think of it - in a way it is true - God after all is Merciful :)

there comes a point in life when God touches you with his tests - and thats when you know He thinks and remembers you - he wants you to move up to another stage/ phase in life - perhaps for you to gain more experience or perhaps to enrich your maturity .. who knows!!

so since God has given me many chances - giving him another chance it the least I could do - right!!
but only time will tell - for whichever he decides - will determine the future

on the other side of the coin - my heart is half empty
the other half that is full is still with him - everyday i go on to think of another other than him
thats not right - so is it wrong??? cant stop it - cant forget it - cant control it - cant seem to be sure

do i go on or do i let go ... which is it?
only time will tell - can i go back to the past? is that what i want?
is that what the past want? y cant i seem to let go?

move on or rethink the past
only time ..

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

raya 2009

i've had a dramatic raya 2009 and i dont even know where to begin
lets just say - it was not planned - well if life's drama was planned then it wouldnt be a drama right!
lets begin with the 'malam takbir' - nooo lets begin w the holy fasting month ..
it was agreed that weekdays to break-fast at my parents and weekends at my in-law (mother-in-law) .. till somehow or rather the doting son-in-law changed plans in the last minute and decide to break-fast at his mum's place - if it had been told by 3pm .. am definitely sure that my beloved mother would not mind - at all!
but if you tell her at 5pm - is that FAIR!? after all the efforts of cooking and buying food to for us!! *sigh alas it did not happen once but TWICE during this holy month ... for God's sake could you please plan out your life!!

to make matters $%^& 'malam takbir' was spent at mader-in-laws place - fine
fader-in-law just passed away - mader-in-law is sad and down - i understand ...
but .. please dont take advantage of the situation ...
it has been a tradition (so they say) that the dotter-in-laws cook a dish for the mader-in-law for pagi raya - OK i have no problem w cooking - fact i love cooking - its my hobby - when im stressed i cook for pete's sake!!!

here i am tungging langgang in the kitchen - preparing what i can (o the menu was nasi beriani tunisia ;) dalca n salad) for dear mader-in-laws guests tomorrow - o did i mention she has no maid .. yet
the lovely ever so fair sista-in-law is in her room watching tele!!! what the heck is a anak perempuan for maaan if shes no good in the kicthen - oOoOo sorry .. forgot she did mention that she didnt get married to cook in a kitchen like the maid
so i maid laa!!!!!

*bersabar je la nak ... tats all i can say to myself - all i know is i do this for dear hubby and insya allah dpt pahala
but what is pahala when u hurt your parent's feelings on pagi raya :( - you tell me
i'd rather kill myself than hurt your own parent's feelings - esp mama ..
first time in my 30yrs of life i mintak ampun w my parents on a 3rd DAY!!
yepp 3rd day of hari raya ...
bukannya balik kampung kat terengganu ke - johor ke - perlis ke
kampung belakang rumah - masuk gear 2 dah sampai!!!!

as usual dear hubby meleteee - tahu melete???
procastinate - waste time - laze around on first day
we all know the traditional salam raya w family - the traditional tangkap gambar
but please i pun nak beraya w my parents ... call me selfish but you agreed that after your house we would rush to my grandmama's house n beraya w my parents there

but Nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
by the time we reached opah's hse - my dear parents had gone elsewhere
*takpe - sabar ...

finish all the houses to visit - we went back to your mader's place
come time to go home - you tell me Ooo we are spending another night here
huh! dear hubby - why do you have to always change plans at the last minute?!?!?!?
being a good wife with a heavy heart had to tell my mama - we are coming back tomorrow morning

but it was late morning when we got home :(
mama was upset - papa was angry
mama went balistic (kena maki hamun jugak la)
papa went the silent angry treatment - which breaks my heart each time he does that

dear hubby .. after all the comotion from mama
he went out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
katanya - i left my wallet at home
what the #$%^&* man!
lagi la mamaku mengamuk
instead of helping out - you go out
2nd day is our open house, theres so much to do and you have to fetch your bloody wallet

*bersabar je la nak
the saddest part is mama says i shud be telling dear husband on whats the reality of life
i shud be the one to lead the family since he seems to not bother
i shud be the one plan things out for the family
i shud be ... ... ... ...
mama is right

dear hubby seem to having 'not bothered' - procatination - blur 'yeah ok' attitude
so i shud be the on to ... ... ... ...
all day was thinking - astagfirullah besarnya dosaku pada ibubapaku tahun ini ya allah
mcm mana nak mintak ampun nih ...

pikir punya pikir
dear grandmama collapsed in our kitchen after maghrib
alhamdulillah i managed to catch her in time - though had a small bump on her head
carrying her in my arms made me realise - life is too short to have the 'not bothered' - procatination - blur 'yeah ok' attitude
all i could say was - opah dont leave me - opah i need you - opah you got to have another cicit before you can close your eyes - opah you are the only person i can confide to
with that my dear opah opened her eyes and said - opah OK
*perrghhh what a relief ...
she blacked out due to her weak heart - my dear opah's heart is getting weaker by the day

mama n all the other uncles took her to hospital
had to tell my dear hubby - pegi la offer mama to take opah to hospital
can you imagine tat - me tell him to do tat instead of doing it himself
eh lu pikir la sendiri .....
by the time it was 1am - i could not sleep
mama was not home
by the time she got home - mama was exhausted and pale
im worried - she has a weak heart too
nak beraya pun dah takde maknanya dah :(
opah now alhamdulillah is recovering

come 3rd day raya - told dear hubby please please please get up early so we can beraya w my parents - he says OK
after breakfast - we did
i .. i .. being myself each time beraya w papa wud always cry
thinking of all the sacrifices he has done for me and yet he always tell the whole world i am his pride - little bro is his joy - tats all i need to hear from him to feel content
w mama - its worse
by the time i salam her - tears are dripping down my cheek
she knws i hardly cry - if i cry it means business!
she doesnt say much but just nods - i think it means she knws how sorry i am

*OoO crap now i feel like crying ..
been holding it in me for sometime now ..
it all adds up and once you breakdown - u really breakdown ..
but i shudnt cry - im a big gurl
im a tough cookie

mama - papa - ampunkan la dosa-dosaku selama ini
sesungguhnya segala budimu tidak terbalas dengan apa juaku tabur
selamat hari raya - maaf zahir batin

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

WE

WE - you and i (its I not 'me' - wrong grammer ah)

WE - you and i met about 1 year ago
WE - got acquainted for business matters
WE - are in the same industry
WE - have so much to talk about the industry
WE - settled business matters like professionals
WE - then got to know each other a little bit more than business clients/ associates
WE - became friends - mutual friends
WE - announced a birthday that just passed which
WE - asked for proof of your IC - true enough it was your birthday
WE - havent given you your birthday treat yet because
WE - approached the blissful fasting month instead
WE - somehow got acquainted during this sacred month
WE - grew closer day by day via modern technology
WE - gained stronger feelings each day
WE - cant be seen as lovers in the public eye because
WE - each have our own matters to pry
WE - love our own lineage and yet have our own complications
WE - should give this a thought - of how long
WE - should be odd
WE - are sincere to each other
WE - are not taking advantage of one another
WE - must hear each others voice at least once a day if not
WE - text/ sms so to say
WE - should not rush hasty decisions - but if it was up to me I'd say
WE - get married (haha)

so till the day (if it ever comes) for you and i to become WE
the proof our love for each other WE have yet to see

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

auguries of innocence - grant me patience

I am without a doubt going through life never thought possible ..
Has crossed my mind - to think of such thing - to note or have a little conscious about it is inevitable ..
The thought of something impossible once upon a time ... ago ... seems possible to come true .. But how could i, mind you ..

what do i do - apart from patience ..
there are others who strive without negligence ..
i am here not to pluck my judgements from the stars ..
let alone dream on the journey of life by far ..

to see us growing old gracefully is what i desire ..
its everyone's dream made from prespire ..

i once had a love - younger than me ..
he was so true like it was meant to be ..
that love was forego since twas east meets west .. then i met you and i thought i won a conquest .. life together is not easy - but didnt think that you'd give up so easily ..

i am short on time - i am slim on innocence ..
i am tired of being vain - when all things are in constrain ..
my efforts seems worthless to carry you ..
thus even more so when i cant seem to help you ..

another younger joy - describes bliss ..
not quite sure if its genuine or just a passing mist ..
can you let go of one n yet grab another ..
when you yourself is not quite sure ..

is it true love - is it lust .. is it part time - is it for real ..
how do you know which is true .. when whats happening feels like i steal ..
do i keep it up - do i keep going ..
my head is mind boggling ..

its struggling to reach you - what more to be close to you ..
you have your own fate - why am i interrupting for @#$% sake ..

i dont mean a thing .. what more anything ..
damsel in distress is i think what im in .. however i know what has to be lined-in ..

partial feelings blurs my conscious - 1 minute ur far - 1 minute ur near ..
*sigh - *deep breath .. can i be stealth ..
can i just disappear and weep ..
i'm uneasy my heart feels steep ..

loyal - faithful - true love .. is there such themes in this world ..
i am going down .. i want to run .. doesnt matter if i fall .. doesnt matter if i swirl

i have always been on my own .. i'm always on my own ..

Sunday, August 30, 2009

kekasih gelapku

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
Yang ku cari selama ini dalam hidupku
Dan hanya padamu ku berikan sisa cintaku
Yang panjang dalam hidupku...

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Ku tahu ku takkan selalu ada untukmu
Disaat engkau merindukan diriku
Ku tahu ku takkan bisa memberikanmu waktu
Yang panjang dalam hidupku

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...
Ooh...
Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

a different feeling

im thinking ... could you be in a situation and yet experience a different situation all together?!?!?
how can this be? ...
its a different feeling all together ...
kinna like the time you felt its the first time in your life ... which you have experienced it already ... with someone ... and now its someone else ...

your heart skips a beat
you get all excited
your heart simles
you look forward to be remembered
your head gets crazy ideas

in reality - all the above stops!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

fusion or confusion?!?!?

its bloody 1:46pm and i cant sleep ... why u ask? no idea ... hang on that's not right ...
i know why actually ... just dont know how to explain it ... *sigh ...
i know i must sleep, tomorrow got to wake up for sahur ...
i'll b sleepy at work - and thats not healthy ... esp since its appraisal season
i hate appraisals - i call it self-flattery hehehe

so why am i not asleep ... yet!
basically i cant stop thinking - if about work takpe!
but this is abt a person - who?? - where can say ...
met him last month - by chance
how by chance - went to look for him at a crowded place n approached him
was stunned to see how good looking he was (og god if he knows this he'd be top of this world!!)
nevertheless back to work - all went well - n got acquainted
how acquainted?? hmmmmmmmm ...

let just say confession have been exchanged - though i still feel as if i perasan
n am just wondering why am i feeling this way - its bulan puasa
all devils and satans are locked up but why do i have this lust - crush - feeling
its not right!!!!
why now? why you? why in this situation?
why why why ... no one can tell me the answer
except for Him - is it a test ... hmmmm
bloddy tricky one thats for sure ...

i mean when you like someone you go all out for him/ her rite?!
but how do i control that or do it all out when both are not available
only time i can talk to you is at work ... itupun chat online
macam zaman sekolah ... plus you're YOUNGER ...
bloddy hell what am i getting myself into?!?!?!?

i think you're blind - confused - like me ... annndddd need a friend who you are comfortable to talk to. but the problem is ... i cant stop think abt you ... is it because of your name (unique)
or your voice (nice voice) *sigh ... im still confused ...
i better sleep ... i sleep so that i can dream of you ;)